The Scripture portrays life with Christ like a pasture that is green (see Psalm 23, John 10). There is a fruitful, abundant experience designed by the Risen Shepherd.

We are not alone in our life with Christ. Jesus brings us into life with Himself and we’re brought into relationship with other people. Because I am in process of becoming like Jesus and you are in process of learning to love like Jesus, conflict occurs.  

I have a bull named Hans. He is rather protective of his herd and much too aggressive. He has chased after people who venture into the pasture. Being in the pasture with Hans is very uncomfortable. I’ve met people who are as “friendly” as Hans the bull. They are just not safe, but in order to be obedient to Christ I must share life with them. And truth be told, for too often I have been “Hans the bull.”

My wife and I have been married, to each other, for almost 2 and half decades. Within the last 16 months we’ve willingly leaned into a tremendous amount of transition. I was completely unprepared for adverse effect the prolonged stress and uncertainty would have on my own soul and my marriage. Even as we are taking some really big steps of faith to please God and “make an impact for eternity”, we faced one of the hardest years in our  marriage.

In the wise providence of God, life is still uncertain and harder than we’re accustomed, but in this process, I inadvertently learned a lesson about conflict (and thus marriage) that I had apparently missed until this point in my life. I picked it up in a book written by William Law in 1729.

Bad Conflict Strategy

The human brain has three instinctive responses when faced with a physical threat: fight, flight, freeze. Sadly I’ve responded to conflict with all three approaches. My favorite, however, is a knock-down, drag out verbal fight. And if I can’t actually have a war of words, then I craft masterful arguments in my mind.

Before I know it I’m following in the vengeful footsteps of Lamech (Genesis 4:23). Lamech was the seventh generation born after Adam, one of Cain’s descendants. Lamech lived by the ideology: “hurt me a little bit and I will hurt you back much worse.”[1]

Fight, flight, or freeze is a terrible way to respond to conflict.

William Law Boils it Down

In his classic work A Serious Call to  Devout and Holy Life, Law identifies the one question every Christian should ask when faced with a conflict: “How can I please God in this?”

While my instinct is to respond to conflict like a country preparing for war, God has been training me to see conflict with through the lens of this simple question: “How can I please God in this conflict?”

This is hard to ask, my mind is racing with long lists of offenses and emotions are raging. But like the wind that clears the smoke from the fire this simple question reorients my soul to heaven.

How Can I Please God in this?

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[1] The Bible is pregnant with meaning. Notice what Genesis 4:25-26 says about Seth. Genesis 5 lists the descendants of Seth. Lamech is seven generations from Adam. Notice how the Bible describes the seventh generation from Adam in the lineage of Seth. What do you think God wants you to learn about from this rich detail?